I know this is long, but it is worth the read. These are Leah's thoughts / perspective regarding Phil's time in the hospital...
What Jesus taught me during Phil’s illness: How Do You Remain Obedient Even Unto Death?
Faithfulness=obedience
How do you remain faithful unto death? How do you rejoice in the worst of anguish? How do you persevere in the face of absolute loss?
As you know, Phil has suffered great illnesses this past month. I believe that in some ways, my faith was a little bit tested. I felt as though my heart and emotions were touched with fire. How does a Christian rejoice amidst the deep & dark trials of this world?
Philip was admitted into the hospital on Saturday Dec. 1. He was diagnosed with e-coli, possible malaria and other unknown illnesses. Philip was so sick. His skin was a yellowish, gray color. He was so weak that he could barely talk or even sit up by himself. He could not feed himself or give himself water. I did not know exactly what was happening inside of his body, I simply knew one thing: his illness only got worse and worse.
It was so hard and sad to watch my husband suffer. His whole body was in searing pain. I told nearly everyone I knew to pray for him. The tests also revealed that Phil’s kidneys were under attack but that his liver was fine. I was praising God for that good news but I remained concerned for his kidneys.
The next day (Sunday), Phil’s kidneys tested to have improved 80% since the day before (Saturday). I was overwhelmed with joy at this news! I was praising God who was sustaining my husband’s life with His own hands. I did not doubt that God’s will would be done. For I know that everything that exists in heaven and on earth is under the Lord’s authority and that nothing can possibly happen to my husband that is outside of His will, even suffering and death.
My husband’s strength seemed to be coming back on Monday. His skin was also appearing to me more of his normal coloring. However, on that Monday night I received some news that seemed to stab me in the heart. I found out that Phil’s kidneys were worse than the day he was admitted (he was admitted on Saturday). After the nurses informed me of this and left the room, I looked out the window and whispered to the Lord, “What is Satan trying to do me? What is he trying to do to my husband? Lord, what am I supposed to do?”
I was so exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally and I felt very sick from the bad news. I paced around the room, teary eyed, asking the Lord what I should do. It hit me, as cold as ice, it hit me that my husband could have some serious damage to his kidneys and I knew that his illness was life threatening.
Finally, I just lied down on the floor and prayed. I felt so weak, sick and honestly, a little scared.
“Oh Jesus, my Love, my Lord, please come near me. Am I suffering with you? Am I sharing in the fellowship of your sufferings?” I prayed to the Lord. I do not consider myself worthy of suffering with Jesus, but I truly want the Lord to teach me how to glorify Him and remain faithful in trials.
I could not help but wonder if the Lord was calling Phil home. “Lord, will I say goodbye to him soon? Are you taking him home now?” I prayed with watery eyes. The thought of something happening to my sweet Phil is a pain that feels too heavy to carry, but my deep concern in life is to be sure that I will remain faithful unto death, whether it is my death or someone else’ s. This is a hard thing to surrender, but we must surrender it nonetheless, for this is the beautiful, joyful & narrow way of Christ.
“Oh Father, please come near. Lord, let me feel your presence, please, oh God! I want to rejoice in trials, not despair. Oh God, Satan is attacking my husband and he is beating me down. Please, please help my precious Phil.” I whispered to the Lord, fighting the urge to weep loudly.
I felt heavy sadness. I had been watching my husband writher in pain and be so ill, that he could barely talk and it made me feel so sad. I felt so sorry for my husband. The pain was unbearable. Oh my poor Phil was suffering so much.
Then, suddenly, I do not know if it was just my imagination or what happened, but either way, God used it. As I lied there on the floor, these words went through my head. “And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”-Luke 22:22:44
Those words would not leave my mind for the next ten minutes. Even if I tried to think about anything else, I just could not. I meditated on these words. Jesus was in agony…but He only prayed all the more earnestly. I desired to do the same.
I was feeling internal anguish, yet these words came to my mind after a while, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”-Luke 22:42
I cried as I weakly muttered, “Oh Jesus, you were obedient unto death, yes, even death on a cross. Jesus, you died for an unworthy world. Lord, you, yourself suffered and for the first time in eternity, the Father turned His face from you and you bore His wrath. You suffered so much Jesus. You suffered for me. You felt greater anguish than any other person in the history of existence. You understand all suffering.”
I need the Father’s help so badly to be obedient. I struggle with understanding with how to rejoice in trials. But as I looked upon Him who has suffered more than any other, it was as if I could feel Him carry my pain.
Sobbing quietly, I remembered how my Savior suffered and felt the anguish of God’s wrath. He suffered for an unworthy world. He died for wretched, ungodly people…like me. Then suddenly, words of power and gentleness shot through the darkness of my turmoil. And I heard these words:
“Leah, are you thankful for my Son’s sufferings?”
I was speechless and beyond overwhelmed at the thought of the sufferings of Christ. I trembled deep within me. I felt so broken, yet, in great awe of Christ at the same time. How thankful am I for the sufferings of Christ? Wow, I don’t know where to begin…I just don’t know where to begin.
I learned that if I am thankful for His sufferings, then I can be thankful when I suffer, no matter how bad the suffering is. But if I am not very thankful, then I will not be thankful when I suffer for Him. How thankful we are when we suffer, is determined largely by whether or not we are thankful for the Son’s sufferings for the Father.
“Not my will, but yours be done. Jesus, you suffered for me and are worthy. Oh Jesus, thank you for suffering. You suffered for the Father. Lord, now please help me to endure these present sufferings. Please help me to see the joy that you have set out before me. I know that these sufferings are not in vain. Not my will, but yours be done.” I quietly prayed to the Lord.
I felt so much of God’s glory in my heart and I felt so honored to be suffering. My heart had touched the flame of trials but my soul was filled with joy!
I looked at Phil on the bed as he was sleeping and I whispered to the Lord, “Not my will, but yours be done, Jesus. Jesus, who suffered for me and for an unworthy world, who was obedient unto death. Jesus, I love you. Help me to obey you in your will. Yes, even unto death.”
I began to rejoice as I recalled the sufferings of Christ. Jesus suffered, knowing the joy that was set before Him. For this reason, I know that I can also rejoice in my sufferings, knowing the joy and glory that the Lord has set before me and Phil. Not only this, but the Lord gently reminded me that in my life, Phil and I will face many trials and hardships, but how will we overcome and rejoice in those things? We will rejoice through our thankfulness for the fact that Jesus also suffered, He suffered for an unworthy world. He bore the wrath of God upon Him. And for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross. Just to know Jesus more and more is worth it all and nothing feels like a sacrifice (nothing is a sacrifice but an indescribable honor).
For the joy set before us, we endure our crosses. For the joy set before us, we rejoice in our sufferings. For the joy set before us, we say, “not my will, but yours be done, oh King!” For the joy set before us, we have left everything for Jesus Christ. For the joy set before us, we have counted the cost and have persevered with exceeding happiness. All for Jesus! All for Jesus! All for Jesus! It is all for Jesus and nothing else matters.
Monday night was a night of turmoil and glory, of weakness and strength, of sorrow and happiness, of dread and eternal excitement. I did not know what was happening to Phil, but I knew for sure that God’s will would be done and it will be awesome, no matter what! I felt the presence of God so strongly as He was helping me to rejoice in our sufferings.
I did not sleep very much that night but I kept imagining Jesus sweating blood before He went to the cross. I thought about how in His agony, He prayed more earnestly. Oh, He was faithful unto death, even death on a cross! I desired that the Lord help me to do the same.
The next day (Tuesday) I found out that Phil’s kidneys miraculously improved! Not only this, but he was discharged from the hospital because he was able to keep down food and water so well! I was overwhelmed with God’s mercy to me, an unworthy servant. That same day, a nurse was showing his kind sympathy for my husband’s illness. But Phil and I simply explained that we realize this is part of being a disciple of Jesus. Jesus called us to serve here and we figured that such trials would come our way. However, we lift up our heads and joyfully press on in Him who is worthy.
I feel the Lord has prepared me for sufferings. I know that when I suffer that I can look upon Him who suffered more than any other person in history. I look upon Him who, in His agony, prayed more earnestly and surrendered His will. No matter the greatness of my agony, I know that I must pray more earnestly and surrender my will. I want to live my life with the obedience of Christ. This is not dependent upon my power or strength but it dependent upon God’s mercy.
Also, a song was going through my head the entire time that we were at the hospital. It is a beautiful song by Jeremy Riddle, called, “Always.” Here are the lyrics (but I highly suggest you listen to the music because it is absolutely beautiful):
I want to run away,
Find a place, quiet to pray
A place that’s lonely
Where I can find You only
The desolate calls, the wide open space
With the noises that drown
You’ve voiced them away
And I’m weeping…in a daze with love
Always, I am waiting and always anticipating Your love
It’s all my heart can think of
Always, I am waiting and wanting to remain in this love
It’s all I want to drink of
Come to me, be not far off
Give ear to my words and speak back your heart
There is nothing I want more than this
Always, I am waiting and always anticipating Your love
It’s all my heart can think of
And always, I am waiting and wanting to remain in this love
It’s all I want to drink of
I am always, always, always, always waiting for you…
What Jesus taught me during Phil’s illness: How Do You Remain Obedient Even Unto Death?
Faithfulness=obedience
How do you remain faithful unto death? How do you rejoice in the worst of anguish? How do you persevere in the face of absolute loss?
As you know, Phil has suffered great illnesses this past month. I believe that in some ways, my faith was a little bit tested. I felt as though my heart and emotions were touched with fire. How does a Christian rejoice amidst the deep & dark trials of this world?
Philip was admitted into the hospital on Saturday Dec. 1. He was diagnosed with e-coli, possible malaria and other unknown illnesses. Philip was so sick. His skin was a yellowish, gray color. He was so weak that he could barely talk or even sit up by himself. He could not feed himself or give himself water. I did not know exactly what was happening inside of his body, I simply knew one thing: his illness only got worse and worse.
It was so hard and sad to watch my husband suffer. His whole body was in searing pain. I told nearly everyone I knew to pray for him. The tests also revealed that Phil’s kidneys were under attack but that his liver was fine. I was praising God for that good news but I remained concerned for his kidneys.
The next day (Sunday), Phil’s kidneys tested to have improved 80% since the day before (Saturday). I was overwhelmed with joy at this news! I was praising God who was sustaining my husband’s life with His own hands. I did not doubt that God’s will would be done. For I know that everything that exists in heaven and on earth is under the Lord’s authority and that nothing can possibly happen to my husband that is outside of His will, even suffering and death.
My husband’s strength seemed to be coming back on Monday. His skin was also appearing to me more of his normal coloring. However, on that Monday night I received some news that seemed to stab me in the heart. I found out that Phil’s kidneys were worse than the day he was admitted (he was admitted on Saturday). After the nurses informed me of this and left the room, I looked out the window and whispered to the Lord, “What is Satan trying to do me? What is he trying to do to my husband? Lord, what am I supposed to do?”
I was so exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally and I felt very sick from the bad news. I paced around the room, teary eyed, asking the Lord what I should do. It hit me, as cold as ice, it hit me that my husband could have some serious damage to his kidneys and I knew that his illness was life threatening.
Finally, I just lied down on the floor and prayed. I felt so weak, sick and honestly, a little scared.
“Oh Jesus, my Love, my Lord, please come near me. Am I suffering with you? Am I sharing in the fellowship of your sufferings?” I prayed to the Lord. I do not consider myself worthy of suffering with Jesus, but I truly want the Lord to teach me how to glorify Him and remain faithful in trials.
I could not help but wonder if the Lord was calling Phil home. “Lord, will I say goodbye to him soon? Are you taking him home now?” I prayed with watery eyes. The thought of something happening to my sweet Phil is a pain that feels too heavy to carry, but my deep concern in life is to be sure that I will remain faithful unto death, whether it is my death or someone else’ s. This is a hard thing to surrender, but we must surrender it nonetheless, for this is the beautiful, joyful & narrow way of Christ.
“Oh Father, please come near. Lord, let me feel your presence, please, oh God! I want to rejoice in trials, not despair. Oh God, Satan is attacking my husband and he is beating me down. Please, please help my precious Phil.” I whispered to the Lord, fighting the urge to weep loudly.
I felt heavy sadness. I had been watching my husband writher in pain and be so ill, that he could barely talk and it made me feel so sad. I felt so sorry for my husband. The pain was unbearable. Oh my poor Phil was suffering so much.
Then, suddenly, I do not know if it was just my imagination or what happened, but either way, God used it. As I lied there on the floor, these words went through my head. “And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”-Luke 22:22:44
Those words would not leave my mind for the next ten minutes. Even if I tried to think about anything else, I just could not. I meditated on these words. Jesus was in agony…but He only prayed all the more earnestly. I desired to do the same.
I was feeling internal anguish, yet these words came to my mind after a while, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”-Luke 22:42
I cried as I weakly muttered, “Oh Jesus, you were obedient unto death, yes, even death on a cross. Jesus, you died for an unworthy world. Lord, you, yourself suffered and for the first time in eternity, the Father turned His face from you and you bore His wrath. You suffered so much Jesus. You suffered for me. You felt greater anguish than any other person in the history of existence. You understand all suffering.”
I need the Father’s help so badly to be obedient. I struggle with understanding with how to rejoice in trials. But as I looked upon Him who has suffered more than any other, it was as if I could feel Him carry my pain.
Sobbing quietly, I remembered how my Savior suffered and felt the anguish of God’s wrath. He suffered for an unworthy world. He died for wretched, ungodly people…like me. Then suddenly, words of power and gentleness shot through the darkness of my turmoil. And I heard these words:
“Leah, are you thankful for my Son’s sufferings?”
I was speechless and beyond overwhelmed at the thought of the sufferings of Christ. I trembled deep within me. I felt so broken, yet, in great awe of Christ at the same time. How thankful am I for the sufferings of Christ? Wow, I don’t know where to begin…I just don’t know where to begin.
I learned that if I am thankful for His sufferings, then I can be thankful when I suffer, no matter how bad the suffering is. But if I am not very thankful, then I will not be thankful when I suffer for Him. How thankful we are when we suffer, is determined largely by whether or not we are thankful for the Son’s sufferings for the Father.
“Not my will, but yours be done. Jesus, you suffered for me and are worthy. Oh Jesus, thank you for suffering. You suffered for the Father. Lord, now please help me to endure these present sufferings. Please help me to see the joy that you have set out before me. I know that these sufferings are not in vain. Not my will, but yours be done.” I quietly prayed to the Lord.
I felt so much of God’s glory in my heart and I felt so honored to be suffering. My heart had touched the flame of trials but my soul was filled with joy!
I looked at Phil on the bed as he was sleeping and I whispered to the Lord, “Not my will, but yours be done, Jesus. Jesus, who suffered for me and for an unworthy world, who was obedient unto death. Jesus, I love you. Help me to obey you in your will. Yes, even unto death.”
I began to rejoice as I recalled the sufferings of Christ. Jesus suffered, knowing the joy that was set before Him. For this reason, I know that I can also rejoice in my sufferings, knowing the joy and glory that the Lord has set before me and Phil. Not only this, but the Lord gently reminded me that in my life, Phil and I will face many trials and hardships, but how will we overcome and rejoice in those things? We will rejoice through our thankfulness for the fact that Jesus also suffered, He suffered for an unworthy world. He bore the wrath of God upon Him. And for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross. Just to know Jesus more and more is worth it all and nothing feels like a sacrifice (nothing is a sacrifice but an indescribable honor).
For the joy set before us, we endure our crosses. For the joy set before us, we rejoice in our sufferings. For the joy set before us, we say, “not my will, but yours be done, oh King!” For the joy set before us, we have left everything for Jesus Christ. For the joy set before us, we have counted the cost and have persevered with exceeding happiness. All for Jesus! All for Jesus! All for Jesus! It is all for Jesus and nothing else matters.
Monday night was a night of turmoil and glory, of weakness and strength, of sorrow and happiness, of dread and eternal excitement. I did not know what was happening to Phil, but I knew for sure that God’s will would be done and it will be awesome, no matter what! I felt the presence of God so strongly as He was helping me to rejoice in our sufferings.
I did not sleep very much that night but I kept imagining Jesus sweating blood before He went to the cross. I thought about how in His agony, He prayed more earnestly. Oh, He was faithful unto death, even death on a cross! I desired that the Lord help me to do the same.
The next day (Tuesday) I found out that Phil’s kidneys miraculously improved! Not only this, but he was discharged from the hospital because he was able to keep down food and water so well! I was overwhelmed with God’s mercy to me, an unworthy servant. That same day, a nurse was showing his kind sympathy for my husband’s illness. But Phil and I simply explained that we realize this is part of being a disciple of Jesus. Jesus called us to serve here and we figured that such trials would come our way. However, we lift up our heads and joyfully press on in Him who is worthy.
I feel the Lord has prepared me for sufferings. I know that when I suffer that I can look upon Him who suffered more than any other person in history. I look upon Him who, in His agony, prayed more earnestly and surrendered His will. No matter the greatness of my agony, I know that I must pray more earnestly and surrender my will. I want to live my life with the obedience of Christ. This is not dependent upon my power or strength but it dependent upon God’s mercy.
Also, a song was going through my head the entire time that we were at the hospital. It is a beautiful song by Jeremy Riddle, called, “Always.” Here are the lyrics (but I highly suggest you listen to the music because it is absolutely beautiful):
I want to run away,
Find a place, quiet to pray
A place that’s lonely
Where I can find You only
The desolate calls, the wide open space
With the noises that drown
You’ve voiced them away
And I’m weeping…in a daze with love
Always, I am waiting and always anticipating Your love
It’s all my heart can think of
Always, I am waiting and wanting to remain in this love
It’s all I want to drink of
Come to me, be not far off
Give ear to my words and speak back your heart
There is nothing I want more than this
Always, I am waiting and always anticipating Your love
It’s all my heart can think of
And always, I am waiting and wanting to remain in this love
It’s all I want to drink of
I am always, always, always, always waiting for you…
I read this a while back but didn't get a chance to comment on it. Let me just say, very Moving.. It should push us all to seek God on that level. Sure now when things are good we can say, "I'll serve and follow Christ." But wait till everything is stripped from us, or our lives hang in the balance and then we will see.. I hate the thought of it, but if it comes to that I do pray that I have the faith and will remain faithful.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him."
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