Leah's reflections - obedience unto death

I know this is long, but it is worth the read. These are Leah's thoughts / perspective regarding Phil's time in the hospital...

What Jesus taught me during Phil’s illness: How Do You Remain Obedient Even Unto Death?

Faithfulness=obedience

How do you remain faithful unto death?  How do you rejoice in the worst of anguish?  How do you persevere in the face of absolute loss?

As you know, Phil has suffered great illnesses this past month.  I believe that in some ways, my faith was a little bit tested.  I felt as though my heart and emotions were touched with fire.     How does a Christian rejoice amidst the deep & dark trials of this world?

Philip was admitted into the hospital on Saturday Dec. 1.  He was diagnosed with e-coli, possible malaria and other unknown illnesses. Philip was so sick.  His skin was a yellowish, gray color.  He was so weak that he could barely talk or even sit up by himself.  He could not feed himself or give himself water.  I did not know exactly what was happening inside of his body, I simply knew one thing: his illness only got worse and worse.

It was so hard and sad to watch my husband suffer.  His whole body was in searing pain.  I told nearly everyone I knew to pray for him.  The tests also revealed that Phil’s kidneys were under attack but that his liver was fine.  I was praising God for that good news but I remained concerned for his kidneys.

The next day (Sunday), Phil’s kidneys tested to have improved 80% since the day before (Saturday).  I was overwhelmed with joy at this news!  I was praising God who was sustaining my husband’s life with His own hands.  I did not doubt that God’s will would be done.  For I know that everything that exists in heaven and on earth is under the Lord’s authority and that nothing can possibly happen to my husband that is outside of His will, even suffering and death.

My husband’s strength seemed to be coming back on Monday.  His skin was also appearing to me more of his normal coloring.  However, on that Monday night I received some news that seemed to stab me in the heart.  I found out that Phil’s kidneys were worse than the day he was admitted (he was admitted on Saturday).  After the nurses informed me of this and left the room, I looked out the window and whispered to the Lord, “What is Satan trying to do me?  What is he trying to do to my husband?  Lord, what am I supposed to do?”

I was so exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally and I felt very sick from the bad news.  I paced around the room, teary eyed, asking the Lord what I should do.  It hit me, as cold as ice, it hit me that my husband could have some serious damage to his kidneys and I knew that his illness was life threatening.

Finally, I just lied down on the floor and prayed.  I felt so weak, sick and honestly, a little scared.

“Oh Jesus, my Love, my Lord, please come near me.  Am I suffering with you?  Am I sharing in the fellowship of your sufferings?”  I prayed to the Lord.  I do not consider myself worthy of suffering with Jesus, but I truly want the Lord to teach me how to glorify Him and remain faithful in trials.

I could not help but wonder if the Lord was calling Phil home.  “Lord, will I say goodbye to him soon?  Are you taking him home now?”  I prayed with watery eyes.  The thought of something happening to my sweet Phil is a pain that feels too heavy to carry, but my deep concern in life is to be sure that I will remain faithful unto death, whether it is my death or someone else’ s.  This is a hard thing to surrender, but we must surrender it nonetheless, for this is the beautiful, joyful & narrow way of Christ.

“Oh Father, please come near.  Lord, let me feel your presence, please, oh God!  I want to rejoice in trials, not despair.  Oh God, Satan is attacking my husband and he is beating me down. Please, please help my precious Phil.”  I whispered to the Lord, fighting the urge to weep loudly.

I felt heavy sadness.  I had been watching my husband writher in pain and be so ill, that he could barely talk and it made me feel so sad.  I felt so sorry for my husband.  The pain was unbearable.  Oh my poor Phil was suffering so much.

Then, suddenly, I do not know if it was just my imagination or what happened, but either way, God used it.  As I lied there on the floor, these words went through my head.  “And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”-Luke 22:22:44

Those words would not leave my mind for the next ten minutes.  Even if I tried to think about anything else, I just could not.  I meditated on these words.  Jesus was in agony…but He only prayed all the more earnestly. I desired to do the same.

I was feeling internal anguish, yet these words came to my mind after a while, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.  Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”-Luke 22:42

I cried as I weakly muttered, “Oh Jesus, you were obedient unto death, yes, even death on a cross.  Jesus, you died for an unworthy world.  Lord, you, yourself suffered and for the first time in eternity, the Father turned His face from you and you bore His wrath.  You suffered so much Jesus.  You suffered for me.  You felt greater anguish than any other person in the history of existence.  You understand all suffering.”

I need the Father’s help so badly to be obedient.  I struggle with understanding with how to rejoice in trials.  But as I looked upon Him who has suffered more than any other, it was as if I could feel Him carry my pain.

Sobbing quietly, I remembered how my Savior suffered and felt the anguish of God’s wrath.  He suffered for an unworthy world.  He died for wretched, ungodly people…like me.  Then suddenly, words of power and gentleness shot through the darkness of my turmoil.  And I heard these words:

“Leah, are you thankful for my Son’s sufferings?”

I was speechless and beyond overwhelmed at the thought of the sufferings of Christ. I trembled deep within me. I felt so broken, yet, in great awe of Christ at the same time.  How thankful am I for the sufferings of Christ?  Wow, I don’t know where to begin…I just don’t know where to begin.

I learned that if I am thankful for His sufferings, then I can be thankful when I suffer, no matter how bad the suffering is.  But if I am not very thankful, then I will not be thankful when I suffer for Him.  How thankful we are when we suffer, is determined largely by whether or not we are thankful for the Son’s sufferings for the Father.

“Not my will, but yours be done.  Jesus, you suffered for me and are worthy.  Oh Jesus, thank you for suffering.  You suffered for the Father.  Lord, now please help me to endure these present sufferings.  Please help me to see the joy that you have set out before me.  I know that these sufferings are not in vain. Not my will, but yours be done.”  I quietly prayed to the Lord.

I felt so much of God’s glory in my heart and I felt so honored to be suffering.  My heart had touched the flame of trials but my soul was filled with joy!

I looked at Phil on the bed as he was sleeping and I whispered to the Lord, “Not my will, but yours be done, Jesus.  Jesus, who suffered for me and for an unworthy world, who was obedient unto death.  Jesus, I love you.  Help me to obey you in your will. Yes, even unto death.”

I began to rejoice as I recalled the sufferings of Christ.  Jesus suffered, knowing the joy that was set before Him.  For this reason, I know that I can also rejoice in my sufferings, knowing the joy and glory that the Lord has set before me and Phil.  Not only this, but the Lord gently reminded me that in my life, Phil and I will face many trials and hardships, but how will we overcome and rejoice in those things?  We will rejoice through our thankfulness for the fact that Jesus also suffered, He suffered for an unworthy world.  He bore the wrath of God upon Him.  And for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.  Just to know Jesus more and more is worth it all and nothing feels like a sacrifice (nothing is a sacrifice but an indescribable honor).

For the joy set before us, we endure our crosses.  For the joy set before us, we rejoice in our sufferings.  For the joy set before us, we say, “not my will, but yours be done, oh King!”  For the joy set before us, we have left everything for Jesus Christ.  For the joy set before us, we have counted the cost and have persevered with exceeding happiness.  All for Jesus!  All for Jesus!  All for Jesus!  It is all for Jesus and nothing else matters.

Monday night was a night of turmoil and glory, of weakness and strength, of sorrow and happiness, of dread and eternal excitement.  I did not know what was happening to Phil, but I knew for sure that God’s will would be done and it will be awesome, no matter what!  I felt the presence of God so strongly as He was helping me to rejoice in our sufferings.

I did not sleep very much that night but I kept imagining Jesus sweating blood before He went to the cross.  I thought about how in His agony, He prayed more earnestly.  Oh, He was faithful unto death, even death on a cross!  I desired that the Lord help me to do the same.

The next day (Tuesday) I found out that Phil’s kidneys miraculously improved!  Not only this, but he was discharged from the hospital because he was able to keep down food and water so well!  I was overwhelmed with God’s mercy to me, an unworthy servant.  That same day, a nurse was showing his kind sympathy for my husband’s illness.  But Phil and I simply explained that we realize this is part of being a disciple of Jesus.  Jesus called us to serve here and we figured that such trials would come our way.  However, we lift up our heads and joyfully press on in Him who is worthy.

I feel the Lord has prepared me for sufferings.  I know that when I suffer that I can look upon Him who suffered more than any other person in history.  I look upon Him who, in His agony, prayed more earnestly and surrendered His will.  No matter the greatness of my agony, I know that I must pray more earnestly and surrender my will.  I want to live my life with the obedience of Christ.  This is not dependent upon my power or strength but it dependent upon God’s mercy.

Also, a song was going through my head the entire time that we were at the hospital.  It is a beautiful song by Jeremy Riddle, called, “Always.”  Here are the lyrics (but I highly suggest you listen to the music because it is absolutely beautiful):

I want to run away,
Find a place, quiet to pray
A place that’s lonely
Where I can find You only
The desolate calls, the wide open space
With the noises that drown
You’ve voiced them away
And I’m weeping…in a daze with love

Always, I am waiting and always anticipating Your love
It’s all my heart can think of
Always, I am waiting and wanting to remain in this love
It’s all I want to drink of

Come to me, be not far off
Give ear to my words and speak back your heart
There is nothing I want more than this

Always, I am waiting and always anticipating Your love
It’s all my heart can think of
And always, I am waiting and wanting to remain in this love
It’s all I want to drink of

I am always, always, always, always waiting for you…

In the Cross Alone

In the Cross alone I shall boast,
Though to all it may seem folly.
For His glory there is seen the most,
And by His grace He makes men salty.

"Salt in the World you must be,"
The holiness of Christ display.
His life in you they must see,
For the World is in moral decay.

In the cross alone shall I glory,
By no other means may men be saved!
All must stand before God who is Holy,
And all by sin have been enslaved.

As a Judge He is obligated to punish,
"For the wages of sin is death."
Our "goodness" before Him is rubbish.
Surely we transgress with every breath!

In the cross alone I shall believe,
With that work we cannot compare a thing!
For there, the impossible He did achieve
To the cross forever we must cling!

God's perfect Justice there is satisfied;
And His perfect Grace demonstrated.
My ransom there is truly ratified;
And my enmity totally eliminated.

In the cross alone I shall hope,
For indeed, it is the only way!
By Jesus - not by priest nor pope...
Shall we be saved on that final Day.

Not by works or deeds of the flesh
Can we stand righteous before His throne.
We cannot place our hope in anything less
But place it only in the cross alone.

"Rise up You Soldier of the Kingdom of Light"

Here is another poem by Phil. One of our coworkers is writing music to go along with the words. This is a reflection on Ephesians 6... May you be blessed!


"Rise Up You Soldier of The Kingdom of Light"

Rise up you soldier of the Kingdom of Light
     Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might!
     Put on His armor - Prepare yourself for the fight,
     For the forces of darkness now come within sight.

Many quake at the sight of this evil band.
     Yet your strength is in God and in His armor you stand.
     You advance, therefore, marching on enemy land.
     The Lord calls you to battle, He now raises His hand.

Take up His courage, take up this honor!
     Keep alert - be found with God's whole armor.
     With all your strength in the fight you must labor.
     His HOLY light in your heart you must harbor.

To march in His Army, all evil you must hate,
     for you take up Christ's righteousness as your breastplate.
     Lies, deceptions, and temptation: these are the enemies bait.
     Yet for these, you fall not. For the belt of truth is fastened around your waist.

The battle will rage, and even in its greatest heat,
     The GOSPEL gives you readiness for all that you may meet.
     These are the shoes which have been prepared for your feet.
     That every foe and obstacle in the path, you may beat.

Ready yourself, soldier of Light, to take the field,
     with all boldness commit to your Lord never to yield
     Make now your hands ready ever to wield:
     God's Word - your sword; and faith - your shield!

Against the devil, your sword has the greatest effect;
     his darts, with your shield, you must surely deflect.
     Yet one thing remains: the helmet of salvation to protect.
     And the work of salvation, God promises to perfect!

Rise up you soldier of the Kingdom of Light
     Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might!
     You have His armor - DO NOT FLEE from the fight.
     But take up your sword, the devil, prepare to smite!

So march with His armor fastened firmly upon you
     Prepare yourself and be among the very few:
     Who, rising early, find the grass wet with dew...
     THIS IS THE DAY! The deadly battle is now in view!

Though the darkness now approaches thee,
     resist the devil and he will flee!
     It will be there upon bended knee
     that victory is won and men set free!

Rise up you soldier of the Kingdom of Light
     Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might!
     Open war is upon you! Will you stand in the fight?
     Fight with all your might, for the day is passing and it will soon be night.

The Lord's banner is raised, to Him gather all!
     The Lord, to action, His Army He does call.
     March now into darkness, march to the enemy's wall.
     Against this Army, the gates of Hell will fall!

Rise up you soldier of the Kingdom of Light
     Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might!
     Keep your courage! Be valiant! Finish the fight!
     Our Great King will conquer and all will be made right!

Rise up you soldier of the Kingdom of Light
     Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might!
     VICTORY IS WON! Darkness is finished and all is made bright!
     Weary soldier, take now your rest among the saints in Light.

A Prayer Before the Word

Here is another poem by Phil Nelson. It was written as he prepared to study the Word of God... We pray that it may touch your heart as it has his...


A Prayer Before the Word

In my heart, oh God, may Your Word, there, richly dwell
     that in my life - with distinction - one may clearly tell:
Your ways, my feet therein do surely walk;
     and in the face of danger, I might never balk.
But Your rich grace and mercy do I freely declare,
     for it is my aid and keeps my feet from every snare.
Your Word, all my doubts and fears do fully quell,
     Your Righteous Way does keep my soul from Hell.
Oh God, in your mercy, guide this man with weakened frame,
     that his overcoming would only be by Thy great Name.
And by Thy grace, from your Word he did not depart,
     but rather, he did study and seek You with all his heart.
And so do I return to my humble prayer mentioned at first...
     For Your Word, oh Lord, does my heart hunger and thirst!

"Through many dangers, toils and snares..."

The hymn, "Amazing Grace," is a comfort to millions of Christians around the world. There is one particular line that recently has described our lives:
"Through many toils, dangers, snares have I already come..."

The day that the Seminar Notebook was finished Phil began to feel a little sick. Thursday night, as he was brushing his teeth, he could not stop shaking and shivering. No matter how many blankets were on the bed his coldness would not leave. In addition to this, his back felt like it had been set on fire and every joint in his body was aching. When Leah came in, she noticed that Phil's body was burning up.

At this, she immediately told the people we have been living with and they came in to pray. Phil's hands had turned yellow and from his wrists down his hands were going numb - also, from his knees down, his legs were tingling. They prayed for nearly an hour. Then, the journey was made to Kijabe Hospital.

Upon arrival, the nurses and doctors diagnosed Phil with malaria. All his symptoms pointed to a bad case of malaria. But one thing was strange: despite the symptoms, his blood work all came back negative for malaria. But they were not going to take the risk - so Phil was discharged that night and sent with medicine to fight malaria.

All day Friday Phil laid in bed and continued to feel horrible pain in his back and now his stomach. At about 2 a.m. Saturday morning, Phil woke up and went to the bathroom. Diarrhea and vomiting went on for about an hour... In the morning, Simon called one of the head doctors in the hospital because Phil was certainly not improving. That morning they returned to the hospital.

After many tests and blood work, the doctors discovered that Phil did not have malaria - rather he had Ecoli. In addition to that many things were looking bad in his blood work. Phil's kidneys were not functioning properly. Saturday through Tuesday was a blur of action.

Saturday and Sunday Phil only seemed to be getting worse. His kidneys went from bad to worse. He had zero energy and could not even get out of bed without someone helping him. By Monday, his veins were often collapsing when nurses tried to take his blood for more tests. They had to change the IV port three times because his veins were so weak.





Only later did we find out that death was lurking about, waiting and desiring to take Phil. When the doctors saw him later, the said that the illness was life threatening.

By Monday afternoon Phil began to recover. By Tuesday the doctors felt good enough about his condition to release him with two major oral medicines. The conclusion about what Phil was suffering from was somewhat vague. But it iwas thought to be both Ecoli and a Salmonila Dysentary.

From Tuesday until the present time (one week later) Phil has been resting and slowly recovering his strength.

(In Kijabe the hospital has many American doctors serving on staff. This is probably the nicest hospital we have ever been in, in Africa. The entire staff is well trained and they did a fantastic job through the whole thing! We thank God that we were in Kijabe when Phil feel sick. God is doing great things through this hospital as they serve many communities in Kenya. They are so well known that many Muslim will come to this Christian hospital because their service is superior to many other options.)

Needless to say, our seminar in Kaithe has been postponed. But the people have been extremely understanding. We are now resting and recovering... this entire thing has been an exhausting experience.

To return to the title of this blog - we thank our gracious and merciful God who spared Phil's life in the midst of such a bad illness. Truly, it is only by God's grace that we are able to report that today Phil is recovering. Today, Phil went to get a blood test and brief exam. All tests are showing that his body is back to normal. All levels are normal and his kidneys are functioning as they should be.

Our God is great! And greatly to be Praised! We can sign that verse of "Amazing Grace" with new respect... for truly through many toils, dangers, snares have we come. AND it is His grace that has brought us here thus far! And it is His grace that will lead us home!

Our next post will be Leah's reflections during this time.

Preparing for a Seminar

Following the Men's conference, Phil and Leah rested on Sunday, then really began their work!

Monday, Phil and Leah met with Godfrey in Naivasha and discussed the upcoming journey to Kaithe. This meeting lasted most of the day as they were discussing the lessons to be taught and every detail in regards to budgets and procedures during the seminar.

Beginning Tuesday morning Phil and Leah worked non-stop on lessons. All day Tuesday was dedicated to the writing of lessons. On Wednesday, Phil had to go to Nairobi to get cash for the seminar. After arriving back in Kijabe from Nairobi, the two set their faces to keep writing lessons. The few hours between finishing working and beginning again Thursday morning did not provide much rest - but it was sufficient.

Phil, Leah and Godfrey finished their lessons and compiled them into one document. Thursday at four in the afternoon marked the completion of their writing. The document was sent to be printed, then photocopied for the seminar.

In three days a 102 page seminar notebook was produced. The title is: An Introduction to Christian Leadership.







With the notebook completed, Phil and Leah were now able to rest.

But little did they know...

Kijabe Men's Conference

On the 23rd and the 24th, there was a men's conference in Kijabe at the Moffit College of the Bible. Phil was asked to speak during this conference. One of the pastors leading the conference asked for him to speak about discipleship.

So, for the three days prior to the conference, Phil prepared a lesson. By God's grace, HE gave Phil many things from the Great Commission text. When Phil arrived at the conference, the leaders informed him that he would be speaking 4 times instead of only once.

The first three lessons were about discipleship: The Authority behind our Commission; The Duty of the Commission; and the The Power to live the Commission.

For the final lesson, Phil concluded the seminar with a lesson about integrity. The main idea of the lesson was this: "Integrity has it's ROOTS in the Word and it's FRUITS in your life." The main text was Psalm 1:1-3.



(The image is supposed to be a tree)

I pray that we may all grow in our integrity before God, which will result in our integrity before man.

The week of the conference was very busy with preparing and speaking.

And then...

Sorry for the silence

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ!

We apologize for the long silence! Much has happened since we last posted anything on here.

During the next few days we will be posting several stories about what has happened... Here is a little preview:
1. Phil spoke at a men's conference
2. Phil and Leah prepared for the Kaithe seminar
3. Phil got really sick and was admitted to the hospital
4. Leah's reflections during Phil's sickness

We will be posting soon!